Sunday, April 28, 2013

It's Been A Long Time.....

Hello Sweet Blog Friends {If I still have any ha ha!},
  It's been awhile since my last post and yes I did miss this little blog, however, I needed that time to just live and experience things. Some of those things were good.....some not so good. I can say this.....not everything is perfect in my life and not everything is how I planned it to be BUT I am stronger than what I thought and every day I get closer and closer to being the person I have wanted to be for a very long time. Even though these past couple of months have been that isn't even the right word....have been BRUTALLY PAINFUL....I am thankful that I was able to make the best out of it and take the steps I had been needing to take to improve my life, repair broken relationships, and even open up to new ones. I am not completely "fixed," but I am doing what it takes to truly better myself and be content with who I WAS and getting closer every day to who I've prayed to be. It took something tragic happening to open my eyes and see the truth about myself and some of the people I have been wasting too much time on. On Good Friday, I got a phone call from my mother telling me that they had found one of my best friends {who was also my teaching assistant} dead. She had a massive heart attack. She was only 43. At first, I was in so much shock. I had seen her less than 24 hours ago. We had been talking about spring break plans and laughing and being silly {which is what we did pretty much all the time.} How could she be gone?!? And then the reality of it started to set in......My best friend was gone....and she's not coming back. I would never see her sweet smiling face at work anymore....I would never hear that loud, crazy laugh that everyone loved so much....I would never be able to talk to her when I was angry or frustrated about my job.....she wouldn't be there to reassure me that I was a great teacher when I had moments of self-doubt....and worst of was I going to tell twenty precious little 4 & 5 year olds that their teacher would not be coming back. For a few days after that, I was just so lost. What was I going to do without my friend? People who know me know that I don't easily let people in & I don't just halfway love. If I say someone is one of my best friends, that's something big because for me, good friends are few and far between. If I am close to someone, I love them with everything in me & there isn't a thing I won't do for the people I love {which has gotten me in trouble a few times because people take advantage of that love}. So, to say I was devastated would be an understatement. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever been through. I mean, I've lost people I loved, but the people I lost were older & they were sick {which doesn't make it any easier} so I was able to prepare myself for it.....prepare my heart for it. This was such a shock and so unexpected that I still have moments when I believe I'll see her at work the next day. That first week back to school was HARD. I helped clean some of her stuff out. Someone came in and told my babies so thankfully I didn't have that weight on me. Of course they were upset and I had a few cry, but a lot of them just don't understand....they are so little and they don't know about that kind of stuff, so it's understandable. And maybe it's best that way. Some of them talked about how she was a beautiful angel in Heaven.....and I believe with all my heart that's exactly what she is. She had such a big heart for little ones, and I believe she got called Home to help take care of the little ones in Heaven. I am so thankful for the time we had together and I am so thankful for all the beautiful memories I have of her. I miss her so much and a part of me will never be the same without her.

RIP My sweet friend. You are forever in my heart.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Chianne, I am so sorry for your loss truly. I know it must have been utterly painful to go through that. I will pray for you!