Friday, November 4, 2011

Heart Therapy-Fears

I look forward to Heart Therapy every week! I find that it really does provide me an outlet and allows me to be very honest with myself about things that have been on my heart for awhile. So, if you would like a little "Heart Therapy" link up with Eisy Morgan!

This week's prompt is to write about your fears. I have to be honest and say that I have many fears. Fears that drive me to the point of insanity. Fears that consume my being, but sound incredibly stupid to other people.

Some of the fears that I once had have actually happened, and I had to face them head on. For instance, for the longest time I thought that the worst thing that could ever happen to me was if the man I loved with all my heart actually married & had a family with someone other than me. Well....that happened. They were married on the day that he & I picked as our wedding date. The reason they had gotten married was because she was pregnant. So, all of a sudden I was having to face the fact that my fears had come true. Bobby was sharing his life with someone else. He was having a family with someone else. And I was literally alone.

Even though this has been several years ago, I still hurt every single day. And one of my fears is that I will never get over that hurt. I fear that I will feel sad, alone, bitter, angry, & regretful every day for the rest of my life.

I also fear that no one will ever love me the way Bobby did.

I fear that I will never be good enough. {For myself or for anyone else}.

I fear that some of my old demons are creeping back into my life. In high school, I had an eating disorder. I would go for days with little to no food & I would work out twice a day-every day. I can feel that need to control SOMETHING by not eating. And those thoughts of "If I am skinny, no one will be able to hurt me" are in my head more often than not. To me, if I am dating someone and something happens and we break up & they start seeing someone else, well it's all ok because I am skinnier than that it makes me better.

I have been battling this since before high school & I fear this will take over my life again.

I fear that my life won't ever get better and how I am living now is how I will be living for the rest of my life.

I fear that even if someone does love me the way Bobby did, that I won't be able to love them back.

I fear that I will never experience the joy of having a child.

I fear that if I do get blessed with a child, something will happen to either me or my baby because of all the bad things I have done in my life. That would be my ultimate punishment.

I fear that my heart is dead & it's too late to bring me back to life.

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