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Sunday, October 2, 2011

I Lost It......I Am Losing It

I so wish that I was writing about something funny that happened to my husband and I. Or something cute that my baby did. Nope....this is not that post.....& maybe it never will be. I feel like I'm losing my mind. If you've ever seen Pink Floyd's The Wall.....I feel like that guy. Just sitting in my apartment for hours doing nothing but wasting away. Not caring about what's going on outside these walls. Not feeling anything but sadness & anger.....but then on the other hand, I feel numb.....like I've dealt with this for so long, it's become somewhat normal to me. I feel alone & that's probably the way it should be, because no one would want to be around me right now anyways. I feel  like things cannot get much worse than they are/have been. I have lost almost everything that I've held so dear. This includes people, hopes, dreams, expectations, self-respect, and the list goes on. I'm on a list of meds and they are all shit. Sometimes I think I would be better off not taking any of them. They're not going to bring my happiness back. That was taken from me a long time ago and I know in my heart that it {he} won't be returned. I swear it's like a death. I feel like my best friend, my love, my everything died a couple of years ago & I haven't been able to get over losing him. I feel like no one gets me. They don't understand me the way he did.....not even my own family. I love them and I know they'd do anything for me.....but no one can make this hell go away. Not even the list of medications I'm currently taking. My only hope is for them to put me on something that numbs the hell out of me.....literally. Like the song Comfortably Numb......that's all I have to hope for. I don't believe in true happiness anymore. I don't believe in love. Maybe some people just don't deserve to have those things......and maybe I am one of those people.

2 comments:

  1. I don't know you and I this post broke my heart. i'm so sorry you are having such a hard time sweetheart. Believe me, I know what it's like to feel this way and numb.

    If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here!

    Feel better soon sweetie.

    xo.

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  2. Hey girl, I don't know exactly what you are going through but I do know what it feels like to be hopeless and alone and fed up. Good for you for writing about it, let it out, I have found it very helpful and cathartic. Hang in there friend, I know there are no easy answers but remember you are truly valuable!

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