Saturday, September 3, 2011

"The Newly Wed.....The Nearly Dead"

I just finished my Christopher Pike book and I decided to re-read one of my favorite Stephen King books that I read {for the first time} around this time last summer. {I figure a year is long enough to wait to re-read a favorite book}. The book is called Duma Key and as I mentioned, it's by Stephen King. I let my best friend borrow this book, and she said she "just couldn't get into it." {Which I thought was insane because in my opinion, it's definitely one of his best books!} Anyways....I started it last night and there's a part that hit me hard. The guy in it talks about a resort people go to. It's for the "newly wed or nearly dead." I am the "nearly dead" {on the inside at least}. How nice would it be to go somewhere beautiful and far away to start over? To go someplace not to forget your problems.....but to erase them completely. A new beginning.....a new life. Oh how I wish I had the money for that. I would be packed and ready with two shakes of a lambs tail. I would miss all my friends and family so much, but I honestly think they would want this for me. To start over and actually LIVE instead of just existing. Because that's what I'm doing now......existing. Up until now, my life has been overrun by sadness, fear, regret, hate, anger, jealousy, and pretty much every negative emotion you can think of. I am on all kinds of meds for depression and anxiety, but there's only so much medicine can do. Sometimes you have to do things for yourself. That's why even though I can't pack up and go to some beautiful beach and start over, I am going to do my best to make a fresh start right here. It's starting with giving up on old habits. Staying away from people that encourage these old habits. Embracing who I am, even though I am not 100% happy with myself {who is though??} Letting go of the past that's held me back for so long. {This, in my opinion is the hardest thing to do.} And last, but certainly not least, reaching out to God. For so long I have been trying to fight this battle on my own {and believe me.....I've been losing badly!} and I don't want to fight it alone anymore. I want shelter from the storm and I know that I'm not going to find that anywhere else but my loving, forgiving, and unfailing God. Please say a prayer for me that I am able to stick to this mind-set because so many times I have wanted to do this, and so many times I have failed because my whole heart wasn't in it. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to live. I don't want to be considered "the nearly dead." I am about to turn 24, and no, my life hasn't turned out the way I wanted or the way I planned, but I still have hope for the future.....and that little bit of hope is what's keeping me going.

From this day forward........I am back in the land of the living.

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