Saturday, September 17, 2011

Must Be Nice

This post may be a tad on the negative side, but this blog is for me to vent I'm gonna. It must be nice to have everything you want just fall right into your lap.....I for sure wouldn't know. Everything I've ever done has been the hard way and even then, most of those things didn't work out. This isn't a "poor me" post, this is simply my way of getting all this out of my system.

I am sitting here tonight, alone, in my apartment that I should have been out of a couple of years ago and I just keep thinking "Where in the hell did I go wrong?" "How in the world did things get like THIS??" and most of all....."Why isn't Bob here with me??" I honestly never thought I would have to face a day without him.....boy was I wrong. I had no stinking clue that he would make the dumbest mistake ever.......and I would be the one to pay dearly for it. I get this way around my birthday & holidays....because I think "Maybe he'll call me" especially on my birthday because he knows what a big deal that is to me. Man....I just miss him. I miss being able to talk to him about anything and everything. It sucks because a HUGE part of me has just DIED. It's really like a stinkin death. I don't ever hear from him anymore. I don't even hear anything about him anymore. It's like he just flipping disappeared off the face of the earth.......or like he died. I miss my best friend. He knew me better than ANYONE and LOVED ME for it. He didn't want to change me, because he loved who I was. Well.....I'm for sure not that person anymore. I guess I died too. I feel like that. I feel dead some days. I hate to admit that and I know I'm not the only one who's ever had to deal with losing someone......but I feel DEAD. Right now, at this very moment, I feel so dead inside. I don't know what to do. I'm going to church in the morning and that will help tremendously. It always does. Sometimes though, I just want to cry when I see other people who really are pieces of shit, have all these amazing things in their life and I am STRUGGLING EVERY SINGLE DAY to keep my head above keep from drowning. I know that God loves me & for a long time I thought He was punishing me. I know that's not true now of course, but I do wonder.......why do the worst people seem to have it made, when good people have constant struggles???  I just need to pray on it. I need God right now more than ever. I need to be with family and friends who love me and have always been there for me. I think I'm going to make me some tea, and go outside to pray.

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