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Friday, September 23, 2011

23

It's so hard to believe that in one more day, I will be 24. Where does the time go? I promise it seems like only yesterday I turned 16 and was so excited to get my license and drive to school every day in my Camaro. I definitely don't feel 16 though.....that's for sure. I was thinking about what my 24th year would bring me. Will it bring me a good teaching job? {I sure hope so!} A husband? Children? Who knows! I would LOVE to have all those things in my 24th year. These past few years have been hard for me, and I am ready to get out of the darkness and into the sunshine. I want true happiness for my 24th birthday.  (:

Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is how great other peoples lives SEEM TO BE. I look at pictures of "happy families" on facebook, and for a long time I thought "Wow....must be nice to be blessed with so much." But the other day, I started thinking about the times I have been really, truly happy. Did I feel the need to post stuff all over facebook or myspace?? The answer is NO. When I am TRULY happy and in love with someone, I could give a crap less about facebook. I don't post pics up all over the place, because I am too happy and in love to care about it. SO.....the point I am making is if you are SO HAPPY and your life is SO PERFECT.....why do you feel the need to post every little aspect of your seemingly perfect life on the internet?? Because you're truly not happy and everything is FAR FROM PERFECT! It's like you're trying to prove to the world that you have a good life.....well other people may buy into that......they may even be obsessed with that and feel the need to kiss your ass, but not me. I would rather someone just be honest and say that no, their lives aren't perfect.....far from it.....instead of trying to make everyone else believe that THEY are the ones who have something wrong with their lives...not you. I'm a VERY HONEST person......sometimes thats a good thing, and sometimes it's not, but I ALWAYS tell it like it is. If there is something wrong in my life, I'm going to be honest about it. I don't feel the need to try to make everyone think I have the perfect life.......I would much rather someone read my blog and think "I can definitely relate to that" instead of thinking "Wow....she has the perfect life." I believe in being honest to people. No, you don't have to tell them exactly what's wrong in your life, but don't pretend you have everything figured out and your life is wonderful when you don't have anything figured out and your life sucks. I think people will respect you a lot more if you are just honest. No one wants to read lies!

Since I have just talked about being honest.....I am going to give you a list of things about me that I am being honest about:

I have severe depression and anxiety. I have been on all sorts of medications and nothing has really helped.
I used to get made fun of in school, and because of that I have "issues" with being good enough.
I have a HORRIBLE temper and the worst case of road rage that you've ever seen. When I get mad, all my common sense goes out the window. I break things and yell and most of the time I don't remember saying or doing any of those things.
I struggle with my weight. Sometimes I don't eat at all, because it makes me feel "in control."
I have problems letting go. It's almost impossible for me to let anything go.
My apartment is a wreck. I would love for it to be spotless and organized, but I'm not that person.
I am my own worst enemy.
I am on a LIST of medications and they are STILL adding more to the mix.
I thought that by the time I was 25, I would be married, have a job and a home, and have a baby......I have NONE of those things and that bothers me and makes me feel like a complete failure.
It's hard for me to trust ANYONE.
Sometimes I feel like my heart is made of stone because I have days where I just don't care about ANYTHING.

I hope my honesty can help other people to realize that NO ONE'S lives are perfect.......I don't care how many pics they put on facebook.......they are not what everyone thinks they are.

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