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Saturday, August 13, 2011

Same Ole Crap.....Just A Different Day....

I absolutely cannot believe how long I have been stuck in this rut. No job, no $$, not one single good relationship, and bad habits that take over my whole existence. It's really scary for me to think about how long this has been going on......and how much longer it's going to continue....  I am so ready for things to change in my life. I am so ready for true happiness. I am so ready for a good, reliable teaching job {which means my own class, my own classroom, my rules & procedures...not someone else's.} Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for the subbing jobs that I have this month, but I am more than a sub. I went to school for 5 YEARS.........5 YEARS OF MY LIFE I DEVOTED TO SCHOOL.......5 YEARS OF MY PARENT'S HARD EARNED $$$$ WENT TO MTSU........FOR WHAT REASON??? SO I COULD GRADUATE WITH A B.S. IN EARLY CHILDHOOD EDUCATION. MY PARENT'S HARD EARNED $$$$$ WENT TO PRAXIS TESTS & PAYING RENT SO I COULD LIVE HERE IN MURFREESBORO AND GET MY DEGREE........BUT WHY??? I CAN'T GET A STINKIN JOB!!!!  How FRUSTRATING!! IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM!!! And what's even more sickening is that most of the teachers {here at least....Please don't get me wrong....I'm not talking about ALL teachers.....Thankfully there are some really great teachers who deserve to have jobs} got their jobs because they "knew someone." How crappy is that??? Several of us good teachers don't have jobs because we don't "know the right people!" That really sucks! And what's even more crappy is that teachers who have tenure get to stay at a school even though they are horrible at what they do, they hate what they do, and they are sure to let everyone {especially their students} know it. And don't get me wrong...I'm not trying to tell the world how wonderful I am as a teacher or anything {because I haven't been given the opportunity to even prove myself} but there are several girls I went to school with who would be AMAZING teachers, yet they can't get a job. These girls love what they do, they love kids and would devote their whole beings to making sure those kids had the best education possible, not only felt comfortable in their classrooms, but LOVED coming to their classrooms. They have big hearts and would actually love and take care of their students......yet they don't have jobs. That's really a crying shame that we live in a world that operates on "It's all in who you know." Kids are missing out on getting the very best education possible because the principal "knew so and so's family", so they got the job instead of the girl with the big heart who would consume herself to light the way for her students. It's also really sad that I can count on one hand the number of truly good teachers I had during all my years of school {college included}. I decided I wanted to be a teacher because when I was little, I had a teacher who HUMILIATED ME. She made me sing, by myself, in front of the whole class because she "thought I was talking." {For the record, I never talked. I was the shy kid who never said anything.} After that horrible day, I never wanted to go back to school. I didn't speak up in class before and now I surely wasn't going to, for fear of being embarrassed by the teacher. Yet, that teacher {who was also my Dad's teacher when he was little} just recently retired......because she had tenure. Wow....that really sucks and something needs to be done about that. I'll tell you what {and this is the redneck coming out in me} if a teacher ever humiliates my child the way I was humiliated, I won't have to worry about her/him doing it again, because either myself, or my mother will knock every tooth they have down their throats. :)  Lol! {Ok so maybe we won't do that.....but we will make a huge deal out of it and it will be taken care of!}
People....if you don't truly love children/teaching.....please don't become a teacher just for all the days off you will have. I've been told many times by friends or whoever else that "They could never do what I do. They would scream if they had to teach kids." It really does take a special person to be a good teacher and I just wish that more of these special individuals would be given an opportunity to have a teaching job.

Another thing that's really bothering me is I can't seem to let go of the past. In 2008, when I found out {on the same day} that my first love {the one I had planned to marry and spend the rest of my life with} had not only gotten married on what was supposed to be our wedding day, but was also going to be a Dad. How in the world I survived that time period is beyond me. I had once told one of my best friends that the worse thing that could ever happen to me was "B" {that's what we'll call him} marrying someone else and being the father of someone else's children. Well......that ended up happening, so at the time I thought that since the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me happened, that nothing else could ever hurt me. I went through a time period when I didn't give a crap about myself or anyone else for that matter. I was doing stupid things and honestly I don't know how I am even here typing about it right now. I didn't care if I died. I had no hope of ever being with anyone, because what's the point? He's gone....he married someone else.... and I was left alone with guilt, regret, and half a heart. Eventually, I did start dating other guys, but it never lasted very long. How can I ever fully give myself to someone, when a huge part of me is still with someone else? I'm not trying to sugarcoat anything here.....I compare everyone to "B" and no one ever really measures up. I don't know what I'm going to do about that. All I know is I have been a sad, bitter, angry person and I don't want to be that way anymore. I wish I could let him go and move on with my life like a normal person. I have so many issues that need to be addressed....it's not even funny. I just find myself asking "Why is it like this?? Why was I left alone in this world? Am I not good enough to have the happiness that seems to come so easily for everyone else? and What am I going to do to get myself out of this nightmare?" So many unanswered questions and so much drama to deal with!

Anyways......sorry if this post was long and really negative, but I had to get that off my chest. That's what this thing is for, right?





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