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Monday, July 18, 2011

Breakdown {Sad Monday}

Today...I can't help but be reminded of one of my old favorite "break-up songs" Mariah Carey's "Breakdown" {featuring Bone Thugs N Harmony...love them!} Anyways....last night was most definitely the end of the relationship I've been in for the past few months. I've given all of myself to this person, been supportive of his career, been understanding when we couldn't see each other because he had his kids that night, been kind-hearted when he had to leave early because he had to take care of a sick child, went wherever he wanted to go, did whatever he wanted to do, we were usually with his friends & he only met TWO of mine, I feel so exhausted because I put so much into the relationship and got NOTHING back. It's amazing to me how someone you care about so much can make you feel like you're nothing. Like you don't even deserve to breathe the same air they're breathing. I've always had self image issues....especially with my weight. I'm putting this all out here to my blog friends, because I have met some really awesome, kind, understanding people. I deleted my facebook account last night, but I feel like my blog is different. It actually helps me, instead of making me feel worse. So thank you to all my blog readers & friends. I am truly thankful for y'all. Anyways.....my point was, within the past few days, he started treating me worse. He would snap at me for no reason, or just ignore me altogether, but he would have plenty to say to all his nice trashy girl friends on facebook who were writing him very inappropriate things. That just made me feel so much worse about myself & of course I do what I always have done to myself, which is "Well....if I was skinnier, this wouldn't be happening" or "If I had bigger boobs, this wouldn't be happening" or "I hate my face, it's too fat... if it wasn't so fat he would be nicer to me and he wouldn't want to talk to other girls."

Last night I just cried. I cried because of the things he said and the way he acted towards me. I cried because I had spent so much time and put so much of myself into that relationship, only to see it end like this. And most of all, I cried because of the way I feel about myself. I don't want to feel this way about myself. I mean I know everyone feels a little insecure sometimes, but I just treat myself so horribly. How can I ever expect someone else to love me and treat me good, if I don't? I don't know what to do about this, or where to begin, or if it is even "fixable." I just know that today, I am sad, hurt, insecure, and alone.

1 comment:

  1. I love that Mariah song... glad I'm not alone on that one! And trust me, things will get better, you have no where to go but up!

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