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Thursday, June 9, 2011

Thursday Thoughts

Today is one of those days where I’m really sitting back and taking a good look at my life – the things going on, the people, my job situation {or lack thereof}, my love life {or lack thereof}, my relationships with my closest friends & family. I never thought I would be in this position. I honestly had this stupid little image in my head of a great teaching job, wonderful husband {who was my high school sweetheart & knew me & most importantly loved me for who I am}, first home {nothing fancy…but cute & OURS}, and of course the one thing I want more than anything in the world….a baby. I’m almost 24 years old and I literally have none of those things….and it’s not looking like I will have them anytime soon {if ever}. I know for a fact that I will never be married to my first love, because he married someone else {on what was supposed to be our wedding day!} and now they have a child together. What a merry little life they have. GAG!! I have been trying for so long to get rid of this bitterness, but it’s so hard when nothing seems to be working out for me. I know I would do a lot better if I had a job—something to occupy my time {and thoughts} so I didn’t dwell so much on what I don’t have {WHO I don’t have}. I know I have to take the first steps to “fix this mess,” but sometimes it’s hard for me to know exactly where to start or what to do. I’m so thankful for the loving friends and family I have. They have always been so supportive and gotten me through EVERYTHING! There’s only so much they can do though….I have to do some things for myself….but where & how do I start? I have been praying about this, and I know the answer will come in time. Writing/blogging about it does help. And I know my friends and family are always there if I need them. Thank goodness for that, because I don’t know what I would do if I had to handle all this on my own. I know sometimes they get sick of me & think “Why can’t she just be normal and deal with it & move on?” But they have never actually said that to me & I know they won’t. You would think that after four years, I would be able to get a grip on things, learn to let go & move on, and choose to take this opportunity to learn from the past, but not live in it. Sometimes I get so scared that maybe that was the only chance at happiness that I’m ever going to get. I hope & pray that it’s not, because there’s so much I want out of life, and I want to be able to go after those things with a heart that isn’t broken into a million pieces. I know that I won’t be able to get that happiness unless I work on myself {my attitude, the way I treat myself, etc.}, put all of it into God’s hands and get my life right with Him, and stop blaming myself for things I can’t change. After all, they do say that everything happens for a reason….so obviously I wasn’t supposed to marry my “first love,” because maybe……..just maybe…..there’s someone better out there waiting to fill the void in my life and make the rest of my days happy & hopeful, instead of sad & miserable. I can only hope & pray this person comes into my life soon……

Until then, here are some recent pics of Kobe & I:  



Before going to clean. Do I look like a cleaning lady? Haha!


Rocking the "Top Gun Glasses"




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