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Friday, May 27, 2011

When Will This Be Over???

I really do not understand some people & how they can have no regard whatsoever for other people's {my} feelings! I mean, am I so awful & unloveable that you don't want to be around me at all? You can't return a damn text message, but you seem to have plenty of time for other people. {Especially other pretty girls!} Am I not good enough or something? Why in the hell can't people just be honest with you?? Why do they have to use you and discard you like you're NOTHING. When are these dark, unhappy times going to be over??? It feels like I've been going through hell since oh.....2007. No kidding....I've been kicked in the ass by life so many times that I just feel like there's no hope of anything ever getting better. I try so hard to be positive and to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I keep getting used & betrayed & I am so sick of it. Why are the things I want most in life so far out of my reach?? And here's what gets me....the things I want are not unreasonable "out there" things. I want a husband: someone who loves me for me & doesn't make me feel like I'm not ever good enough or there's always someone better than me. I want a good teaching job at a school that I love. I went to college for 5 years & I'm so ready to have my own classroom, but it has been a HUGE NIGHTMARE trying to find a teaching job. And most of all.....I want to have a baby. I want so badly to be a mother. All of my friends are having {or have had} babies and I just feel so left out. I never in a million years imagined my life would be this hellish nightmare that it is. I had planned to be married by now, with a good teaching job, a nice first home, and of course....a baby. I don't have ANY OF THOSE THINGS! I've been trying to focus on the positives in my life, but sometimes it gets so hard to stay positive when things are bad & they don't seem to be getting any better. I just want to ask the question "WHY?" WHY am I not good enough for people to return txt messages to me or to hang-out with me? WHY do people make me feel like I am NOTHING & there's always someone who is way better than me? WHY did things turn out THIS WAY? I know things could be so much worse, and don't get me wrong, I am thankful for what I do have in my life, but I am so tired of struggling every-single-day and being so unhappy, when for other people, happiness just seems to fall right into their laps. UGH! I hope I wake up from this nightmare soon, because I don't think I can take much more.

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