Sunday, May 15, 2011

Praying For Change

*I've been talking to God a lot here lately. These past few months have been really tough for me & I was at my breaking point. I have talked to the one person who understands me the most {my Mama} about everything that was going on & how I was feeling. I have poured my heart out to her so many times here lately, asking her why it is so hard for me to get my happiness, when other people seem to just walk right into it. Of course there's no answer for this, only that God has a plan for me and it will be revealed when it's supposed to be. I've struggled with depression for many years {since middle school} & was diagnosed with being Bipolar in August of 2009. I have been on all sorts of medications just to try to help me feel NORMAL, but nothing seems to be helping. I feel tired {physically, mentally, emotionally}. I feel like I have been fighting this fight forever & I'm just losing horribly. Thank God for blessing me with the amazing family I have. They have stood by me no matter what. I am forever grateful for their love, selflessness, and patience with me when I've had "mood swings."
*I feel like God has really been working on my heart. For example, I got my feelings hurt the other night by someone that I thought really liked me. I had trusted him and I thought that maybe this time it was going somewhere. WRONG! So instead of doing what I usually do {which is sob uncontrolably, throw in a few curse words here and there, maybe break something, or sometimes things that are much worse that I won't get into} I prayed. I talked to God for a good while about how hurt I was & how I felt alone at times & like things were not going to get better for me. After our long conversation, I felt a peace that I hadn't felt in awhile. The next morning I had a job interview that I was so nervous about, first of all because I wasn't 100% sure how to get to the school and I was super nervous because I am a shy person if I don't know you, so I get really bad anxiety before stuff like this. However, I got ready, went out to the car, & on the way over there I prayed. I found the school and arrived early {which I had worried about being late!} The interview went great and I think it was one of the best interviews I've ever done in my life. The principal had nothing but great things to say about me, and for this, I was so thankful. God was in the interview with me.
*I spent the night at my Mama & Daddy's house last night & I must say that without our sweet Dixie girl it's kind of lonely. I miss that big, pretty girl. :( For some reason, I just felt so "at home" while I was there this weekend. I mean I know that will always be my home, but sometimes when I go, I feel like I'm a stranger there since I have lived on my own for so long. However, last night was different and it just felt so good to be in my old bedroom, with all my old stuff, and many good memories. Also, a few months ago, my Mama & I saw a "make your own terrarium" kit and I was like "Oh that's so cool, I would love to have one of those!" I guess she told my sweet Daddy that I had said I wanted one because when I came home my Daddy had made one for me! It's really pretty and so much bigger than one of those little kits you can buy! I was so happy! I love the sweet things he makes for me. He and I are going to start on a project that I wanted to do. He has an old milk jug that he is going to let me have to paint white and use to put in my apartment. I love old things like that! There's nothing better!

*Ok....I'm wrapping this up I promise. Tonight I was sitting outside just smelling the honeysuckles {my favorite in the whole world!!} and I talked to God. Tonight, I gave everything to Him. I'm going to stop worrying about when certain things are going to happen for me & I'm going to focus on building a better relationship with my forgiving God. Because after all of the things I've said/done, he still loves me & he forgives me. For me, that's all I need right now. Please keep me in your prayers as I travel down this road, leaving the past behind me, praying for strength & patience to get through the present, and looking to the future with a smile and a positive attitude because I don't have to go through this alone anymore. :)

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